On Loss, Freedom, and the Role of Parents: Reflections on Yiyun Li’s “On the Loss of Two Sons”

 

 I recently read Yiyun Li’s On the Loss of Two Sons, and the story has stayed with me ever since.

It is a heartbreaking account—one that, even as a mother of five, I struggle to comprehend. I cannot imagine the depth of pain and grief she has endured.

 Li writes about her sons' deaths in a tone that’s strikingly calm, even clinical. She recounts the events as if they are mere facts—yet beneath the surface, the sorrow is inescapable. One can’t help but ask: Why? How could such tragedy strike a family twice?

Was it inherited depression? Was there some hidden trauma? Mental illness?

None of these are clearly revealed in her writing.

 As I read, I found myself reflecting—not with judgment, but with deep concern and empathy—as a fellow mother. There were a few themes that stood out to me, which I offer here as points of reflection, not critique:

 

1. Freedom Without Boundaries

Li gave her children a remarkable amount of freedom. She cooked three separate meals for four people, sliced apples in precise geometric shapes, and allowed her young boys to express themselves however they pleased—including wearing pink dresses to school and walking miles alone.

While these may seem like gestures of respect and love, I wonder: at what point does total freedom begin to feel like abandonment, or a lack of direction?

 

2. Knowledge Without Meaning

Her sons were gifted—precocious readers, intellectually far ahead of their peers. But knowledge without a sense of purpose can be isolating. They seemed to lack a reason to live, a vision for their future.

Despite their brilliance, both ultimately chose to end their lives. Intelligence alone does not shield us from despair.

 

3. Conversation Without Connection

Li writes of many lively conversations with her children—but she also expresses her inability to truly understand them. The depth of emotional connection, the kind that anchors a child to life, seemed painfully absent.

One son died by jumping in front of a train—a death both brutal and final.

 

There is no word strong enough to describe the sorrow of such loss. I share these reflections not to assign blame, but to spark thought—for myself, and perhaps for other parents.

 

Parenting today is full of challenges. But modern research in early childhood development is clear: children need structure, boundaries, and guidance. They need to learn social norms and expectations in order to feel a sense of belonging.

We cannot teach them everything—but we are their first, and often most influential, teachers.

 

The role of a parent is not to control, but to guide. Not to stifle, but to protect. And most importantly, to help our children find not just knowledge, but meaning, connection, and hope.